Well, you just don’t get it until you get it. And then, when you do, it’s like waking up from a hangover and, as the cobwebs clear, wondering “where the hell have I been?”
Where have I been? Well literally I’ve been in Los Angeles for the past couple of weeks, after returning from a three week jaunt to India in January. Was it the culture shock, the jet lag, the spirituality that permeates that country, or was it just finally time to wake up to the self limiting and sabotaging beliefs that, though try as I might, I have been unable to shake when it comes to dating, men, romance, and the like? I don’t know. But, when clarity comes, it comes, and it just came and for that I am grateful.
Shortly after returning from India, I was listening to someone speak about how they kept inviting drama into their life because it was their comfort zone and until they were tired of that story, they would keep repeating it. Blah blah blah. I don’t have an issue with drama, I thought. I have had brief bouts with it, but yelling, police, fighting, and chaos are not my style.
Whereas confusion… I looooove confusion. No, not really, but by the way I attract it and invite it in, you’d think I do! As I sat listening to this person speak about drama, it was like a spotlight suddenly illuminated my past six or so years, the people I’d met, chased, been chased by, dated, tried to date, obsessed over, etc. and my comfort with confusion was undeniable. Oh God, I realized, Confusion (+ Waiting and Limbo) =Drama. If it wasn’t my confusion, it was theirs and once they figured it out or I figured it out, I would be able to move forward, emerge from limbo, stop waiting, and live the life I envisioned. Blah blah blah. Talk about being tired of one’s story!!
As I write this, it doesn’t seem like my confusion epiphany should have been so shocking because, honestly, it is so obvious. And yet, it blew my mind. I spent a week or two in a sort of depressed daze and then, quite suddenly, I emerged on the other side. Just being aware of my operating system I was able to recognize when I was making choices out of fear or a lack of self worth rather than from a place of love, faith, and confidence. I began speaking up and allowing the chips to fall where they would, rather than waiting to see what would happen, so I could react. I literally woke up one morning with a clarity of self and purpose that I hadn’t felt for a long time and which had me wondering why it took so long and where it had come from. But, it really does take what it takes for the pieces to click into place, for the self sabotage to illuminate, and for one’s story to get soooo old there is no choice but to change it and write a new one.
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