Break

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I fell off of the dating and writing wagons a few weeks ago, in part due to my schedule and in part because after months of doing, I just wanted to be.  And in that time, as I’ve pulled away from too much thinking, analyzing, and planning, things have, as they do, just started to come together on their own.

Right around the time I started this blog, in April, I had a tarot card reading. I had just been dumped by a guy via text and was feeling unsure and unsteady and in need of outside reassurance. As with most relationship drama, the upset rarely comes from the other, but from where the mirror of that relationship illuminates our own dark, deep insecurities and fears. This one was no different. It had little to do with the guy and everything to do with my own self worth. The tarot card reader told me exactly what two others before him had.  Just be. Do what I do. Write. Create.  Do the things that make me happy. Omit nothing. And through this energy I will bring a man with similar interests and energy to me.  But, I don’t have to “do” anything. And he was not the one.

And, so, after a couple of weeks and a few blog posts on the subject, I deleted my online dating account, began planning a trip to India, renewed my writing efforts, and have somehow managed to stop thinking of life as something to figure out.

As soon as I let go, I could feel the flow and the fun return! Two friends decided to set me up with friends of their husbands, I developed a crush on my super hot and smart and (I think) much younger than me writing coach (and here’s a tip, if you want to  get a bunch of writing done, go enroll with the hot teacher you want to impress, it will do wonders for your writer’s block! Kind of like the time I had a crush on my Spanish teacher in college and on “Bring Spanish Food Day”, I made the most amazing flan, from scratch, while everyone else brought salsa), I started planning my schedule around the concerts I want to go to, I let go of the idea that whether or not I am going to have children is something I have to worry about (this was a BIG one!), and just decided that, as the world appears to get crazier by the day, I want to live my most amazing life as if each day really might be the last.

I honestly thought I was already doing this until recently when all of the ways in which I still thought of my life as something to “figure out” began to rear their ugly heads. I can’t tell you why one morning I woke up having let go of that need to know, but it was as if a light switch had been turned on and I could hear the words…Just Be.

Photo taken at Sunnyland, CA, of Lita Albuquerque’s piece “Earth”, part of Desert X.

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