38. Female. Creative. Happy. Single. Tick Tock. To have or not to have?
I was recently chatting with a couple of coworkers when the subject of children came up. “I just don’t feel like having children RIGHT NOW is the problem,” I heard myself saying to them, both of whom have children and somehow manage to be great moms, while working full time. “It’s not that I don’t love kids, because I do, and I think I want to have them. I just would rather go to Peru and India this year. And then I’m 39. And the clock just gets louder.”
To which one of them responded “Do you even want to know how much I would love to be planning trips to Peru and India right now?”
And I love that this is what I am planning too! Therein lies the “problem” of which I speak, though, all things considered, it’s a privileged problem to have. I love my freedom, I would only want to have children once I find a great partner who wants to do it too, I listen to the news and think about the state of the world and I find myself less and less sure, and around and around I go.
Maybe I am just a control freak! Ha! Maybe? I know I am. While I have worked hard to ease up on my need to know, to figure out, and to manipulate situations or the future, that desire still rears its ugly head frequently. I know that having children would be the greatest lesson possible in learning to let go, to trust, and to be powerless, which sounds both wonderful and completely terrifying.
And then there is the fear of regret. Will I regret not having them, down the road, if I don’t? Is that fear enough of a reason to do it now, even though when I visit my friends who are parents I always leave feeling somewhat relieved that the controlled chaos that is their lives is not the controlled chaos that is mine? Am I just selfish?! Maybe. But, I am also happy! I adore my life. Maybe it’s just too many choices, for which I am not complaining, but which can lead one in circles if not careful.
So, maybe it just comes back to letting go of control. At the moment I obviously don’t know which way my life will go. I might meet someone tomorrow with whom eventually starting a family seems the obvious choice. I might meet a child who is in need of a mom. I might go to Peru and have an amazing solo adventure. I might… Who knows? All I know is that as soon as I lift the weight of the biological clock from my shoulders and stop being distracted by the tick tock tick tock tick tocking in my ear, I feel lighter and happier than when I think of it as something I must figure out. Let it Go! Whatever is meant to be will be, especially when it comes to the (in my opinion) karmic relationship of parents and children. Live your best life and make the next right choice with where you are now. Calm down and let the chips fall where they may because they always do anyway!
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